Happy Early Birthday!

The first month in New York had a lot in store. I was settling in, lectures were starting and my birthday was approaching. I have never celebrated my birthday abroad before and I was intrigued how my birthday celebrations would turn out. Before I left home, I was excited to see how my new environment would be at that time and whether I will throw a party or just have a little celebration on the day itself. I thought it will be interesting to see how something so known and close to me will evolve in a completely new setting. Due to all the amazing people I've met here in only the first two weeks, I very quickly decided to say yes to a birthday party. While sending out invitations and running errands many people would wish me a "Happy Early Birthday" which I thought was really fun because it's so different from what I know from German culture. There, traditionally wishing someone Happy Birthday before their actual birthday is known to bring bad luck and even though I do not believe in these superstitions, it is just not a common thing to do when mentioning your upcoming birthday in public. As a person who really enjoys celebrations of any kind I've found it to be very refreshing and fun - to get a free extension of feeling special. 

Both, my birthday itself which was on a Friday as well as the party which happened one day later on Saturday, were awesome. Although many things had changed since I moved, I felt like I got to experience a piece of my old life, the life I knew and loved, here in New York. That made me happy - I was here for a challenge and for a change but after the first few weeks have been harder than expected I didn't mind the change coming at me more slowly now.

But of course it did not stay that way. Because after all it's not the comfortable change that makes you grow. In order to grow things have to get uncomfortable. And they became uncomfortable very soon.

A lot of I Don't Knows

Very early on into my new (academic) life I realized that often times with changes and new beginnings come a lot of I don't knows. Whether that is getting to know a new culture, new people or starting a new job - it is very likely that you will find yourself in a position where you often know less than the people around you. You are challenged to be curious, to ask, to learn something new every day. And while that is one of the things that excited me the most about going abroad, it very quickly occurred to me that I am not very good at not knowing things. It somehow bothered me. My first instinct when I would be asked a question about something I didn't know the answer to, was to talk around it with sometimes complete nonsense rather than just admitting that I don't know about this particular thing first and then sharing some thoughts. And I think that makes sense because especially in an academic context knowing things is what it is all about. So when I got confronted with being new to so many new things at once, it became clear to me once more how much I had internalized this concept over the past years. 

It very quickly occurred to me that I am not good at not knowing things. It somehow bothered me.

Nonetheless,  I headed to the department for my first day of classes filled with confidence. I felt like as if in the past years I had overcome most of my insecurities and struggles associated with my academic performance. I didn't think too much about how challenging the upcoming coursework could be. After overcoming various kinds of academic challenges throughout the last five years, I had this strong conviction that I have grown and that nothing could really seriously take me down. Little did I know that I had merely scratched away the surface of my achievement-based self-worth only to go into direct battle with it for the next few months.

I still remember the exact moment about four to five years ago when I realized how much my self esteem is tied to my academic performance. This is insane, I thought, this has to change. And I kept thinking about that every now and then but things were going pretty well for me all those years. Of course I had my ups and downs, but I always believed in myself and at the end of the day the academic successes needed were claimed. I didn't have to deal with the issue that building your self esteem on things that can change any second is not the best idea. Five years later is better than never I guess, because after my classes were way harder than I had thought, I was staring my worst fear directly in the eye: What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail?

It was eating me up. It made my stomach twist in ways I didn't know were possible. When I would talk to my friends and family about this at that time one of the things I would hear the most is. "You're gonna make it, but if - and I'm not at all saying you will - but if you fail it is not the end of the world." And while I knew in a rational way that was true, I could just not accept that thought at all. Everything inside me would fight against accepting that thought. Because if I detach myself like that - what will be the drive that keeps me going? I always thought my ambition was fueled by my passion but it became clear to me that while that was certainly true, my ambition was also very much fueled by a need for success. And that's where things become tricky because success comes and goes and also of course there is so much more to a person than their achievements. So I asked myself - how can I persevere within the fear of not being good enough? How can I let go?

I always thought my ambition was fueled by my passion but it became clear to me that while that was certainly true, my ambition was also very much fueled by a need for success.

Be still

Letter to my 13 Year Old Self

Momente

So what's next? I guess it's time to tackle some fears. Somehow during the first few months I've been here everything has been happening all at once. I was dealing with challenges I've never faced like that before and my first reaction to situations like that is always control. I was trying to find something that makes up my identity in the midst of all of this. But I've found that taking this leap into a completely new environment forces me to let go of that completely. It's not about putting who you are in a different setting and then just carrying on as you did before. The new setting forces you to change. It forces you to change in a way where you embrace every challenge and you stop progressing by thinking and start to progress by experiencing first. And that is super scary. At least for me. But interacting instead of carefully interweaving yourself with your environment set's you free from its ever changing character. And that is something I desperately need(ed) to learn. And although it resulted in many tears and short nights I already see how I am getting one step closer every day to who I actually want to be. Someone who is authentically herself rather than a carefully crafted version in constant fear of what she has build will eventually fail as soon as certain circumstances catch up to her. And luckily I'm not alone in this. So let's go!

"These are the moments where I just go and get rid of all of my fears. In these moents I forget all of my sorrows and never think of them again. "

- Momente, Copain

September 2025

Oktober 2025

    

November 2025

Boston, MA

Thanksgiving 2025

Washington, DC

Dezember 2025

But What If I fly?

"Do you know this feeling? When you've worked towards  something for a long time and then it actually becomes true?"

"Yeah me neither.", I say laughing, "Until now."

Dreams are a peculiar thing. Personally, I have always dreamed big, but these dreams becoming true - that's something I've missed out on so far. That sounds way more depressing than it's supposed to - there have been many great things in my life that felt like a dream come true: Awesome friends, the possibility to travel throughout Europe and beyond, a great job. But all of these things felt like something, that found me rather than something I was actively working towards in order to make it come true.

In order for dreams to become true one has to dream actively. But that means taking a risk. You never know whether things will turn out the way you hope they would nor if you will have it in you to hold the open doors open so you can walk through them. Sometimes an open door falls back and closes again. And that's okay. But to see one's dreams coming true would still be something, right? I mean, is there anything better than getting what you've always wished for? To get up everyday thinking: "I'm exactly where I wanted to be!"

Even though some of my "dream doors" have been closed in the past years, I never stopped dreaming big. However, I still had this feeling that while I can come very close to making my dreams come true, in the end something is missing to actually turn them into reality. 

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In November 2022 I walked through the streets of New York for the first time. I was just about to finish my second year of undergrad in Physics, and as I wandered through Manhattan an NYU Flag catched my eye. Hanging on one of these beautiful, rather older buildings, I followed its soft motion in the wind and thought by myself: "Studying here could be nice."

A few months went by and in March 2023 I saw a job posting, where a Professor from Columbia University was looking for a Research Assistant to support the Hamburg location of his lab. After scrolling through the group website, I realized that this group's research area was exactly the part of Physics I became passionate about a few months prior. It took me a long time to decide whether I want to apply for this job since I haven't had any lab experience until then. I thought that because of that my chances were probably not good anyways and also I did not plan to become an experimental physicist at that point. However, my mom pointed out that I should just apply because I have literally nothing to lose and she was right about that, of course. I applied for the job and after two months I received an interview. Then, two weeks later, an email reached me saying that I got the job!

This was an incredible step forward for me - I took a risk and it actually paid off! And the idea of studying in New York transitioned from a distant imagination into a realistic possibility. But before this possibility would turn into reality, I would have to conquer two years of Physics Master's studies, ideally passing all of my courses with perfect grades. Due to my exam anxiety, this seemed like a rather exhausting endeavor and besides that, good grades are unfortunately more tied to strategic studying and getting lucky in the choice of lectures and professors and less to one's actual competence in the field. So in the end no matter how hard you work towards your goals, there are always things you can't control and then you can either have the wind at your back or it pushes you back by 100 miles. Luckily, I had a lot of wind at my back.

Many exams, short nights, coffees, kind words, helpful conversations, some tears, dozens of prayers and nine applications later I got it: An email confirming that I have been admitted to the NYU Physics Program starting Fall 2025.

Welcome To New York

My dream came true.

And now? How does that feel?

Honestly after I've received that email I didn't feel anything at all. There was no screaming or jumping for joy. This long time of working towards something including all the applications and decisions I had to make was accompanied by so many emotions, especially in the final days, that in the end there was nothing left to feel joy. But that is quite normal when going through such a long process I think, and also that state didn't last for too long. Joy and excitement came first slowly and then more and more with every week that passed by. Any doubts or anxious thoughts I had faded away and I was ready to dive into this new adventure.

Whenever I would talk to people about my plans during this time, many of them pointed out that it is quite brave to do what I'm doing. I was very surprised by this, my plans didn't seem very brave to me. They just seemed like the next logical thing to do. In addition to that, every step of the way until then seemed so laid out for me that I didn't even think about anything that could go wrong. When I talked to my parents about this, my Mom said: "Well I do think what you're doing is very brave too.". "Yes, being brave is leaving something good to find something better.", my Dad added. 

"Yes, being brave is leaving something good to find something better."

That got me thinking. Leaving something good to find something better - isn't that exactly what it means to actively follow one's dreams? And that's exactly what I was about to do. So maybe I am brave. Maybe being brave doesn't always mean to conquer fears. Maybe being brave sometimes also means to give up things without having the guarantee that it will be worth it.

Six months later the day has come: "... aaaand takeoff mode!!!", as the two children sitting behind me on the flight from Hamburg to Zurich would say. Saying Goodbye at the airport was less hard than expected, I felt like I knew what I was heading towards and what I would leave behind. I was sad of course, but I knew good things were waiting for me and I was looking forward to embrace and discover whatever was waiting for me. A few days later, I learned that I might have been a bit too optimistic but more about that later.

Eight hours, one airport sprint and an awesome airplane acquaintance later, the plane was approaching the John F. Kennedy International Airport. Looking outside of my airplane window I saw the New York skyline coming closer and closer and when the wheels hit the ground, "Welcome to New York" by Taylor Swift was playing on my AirPods.

Belonging

And then I was there. At least physically. I had no particular idea about how the process of arriving in New York would feel like, but I was sure that moments of melancholy and sadness wouldn't reach me that soon. But all it needed was one and a half days alone and an unlucky conversation to get my mind spinning. Luckily these feelings left almost as fast as they came, thanks to prayers, long phone calls with my Mom and Dad and comforting conversations with friends.

In his letter one of my friends gave me before I left, he wrote that it is completely normal to feel alone and overwhelmed when moving into a big city like New York, and that it is about the people you meet that really make you feel like you belong. 

Luckily, I was able to experience that already during my first few weeks here. Through friends I've already had in and close to the city, my roommate, our new friends that we met during Orientation week, but also just through little moments and encounters in everyday life.

Many of my friends here in New York said that the romanticized version of New York is quickly washed away by a smell of urine and weed accompanied by big city noise and other things. And while all of this is definitely part of New York experience, there are at least as many beautiful moments that are worth enduring the not so nice parts of the city. Therefore, I've curated a list of little moments in New York everyday life that made me feel like I belong:

• I was interviewed for a fashion Instagram account (lowkey highkey dream come true ngl haha).
• One of my neigbors topped up my laundry card with $10 because my credit cards weren't working and didn't want me to pay him back (I asked thrice.). He said: "No, don't worry about it, that's my good deed for the day!".
• The fountain in the middle of our apartment complex, that is illuminated with diferent colours every night and reminds me of the Wasserspiele in Planten un Blomen.
• The East River Promenade which is directly next to our apartment and reminds me of the promenade at the Landungsbrücken.
• The man who works for our apartment complex who asked me what time it is and then said: "Thank you, where are you from?". "I'm from Germany!". "Oh nice, I like your accent - Have a good day!".
• A super nice smalltalk while I was taking the elevator in our building for one of the first times.
• The man who stood on a lawn in Central Park with a canvas painting the view of the skyline.
• The cafe that accidentally prepared my ice cream order twice and then just gifted me the second one.
• Seeing the lake in Central Park which was framed by green trees and a beautiful skyline on an impeccable blue sky. There was nothing but little rowing boats on the lake and when suddenly classical live music started to play I thought I jumped into one of Bert's chalk drawings from Mary Poppins.

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I am truly thankful for being able to say that one of my dreams came true. I am very excited and looking forward to all the things the next few years have in store for me. And even though I've worked hard so that I could go through the open doors I've encountered on my journey, it was the many moments where things that I could not control still turned out in my favor, that made the difference. That allowed me to continue running towards my dream and that made sure that I knew that whatever happens, I can't fall past the hands of God.

I want to close with a sentence that I recently found in one of my old blogposts:

"God puts dreams into our hearts. If we reach for the stars he will meet us halfway and hand them down to us, if we trust him."

2022

2023

2025