Chapter 1: Happy Early Birthday And A Lot Of I Don't Knows

Happy Early Birthday!

The first month in New York had a lot in store. I was settling in, lectures were starting and my birthday was approaching. I have never celebrated my birthday abroad before and I was intrigued how my birthday celebrations would turn out. Before I left home, I was excited to see how my new environment would be at that time and whether I will throw a party or just have a little celebration on the day itself. I thought it will be interesting to see how something so known and close to me will evolve in a completely new setting. Due to all the amazing people I've met here in only the first two weeks, I very quickly decided to say yes to a birthday party. While sending out invitations and running errands many people would wish me a "Happy Early Birthday" which I thought was really fun because it's so different from what I know from German culture. There, traditionally wishing someone Happy Birthday before their actual birthday is known to bring bad luck and even though I do not believe in these superstitions, it is just not a common thing to do when mentioning your upcoming birthday in public. As a person who really enjoys celebrations of any kind I've found it to be very refreshing and fun - to get a free extension of feeling special.

Both, my birthday itself which was on a Friday as well as the party which happened one day later on Saturday, were awesome. Although many things had changed since I moved, I felt like I got to experience a piece of my old life, the life I knew and loved, here in New York. That made me happy - I was here for a challenge and for a change but after the first few weeks have been harder than expected I didn't mind the change coming at me more slowly now.

But of course it did not stay that way. Because after all it's not the comfortable change that makes you grow. In order to grow things have to get uncomfortable. And they became uncomfortable very soon.

A lot of I Don't Knows

Very early on into my new (academic) life I realized that often times with changes and new beginnings come a lot of I don't knows. Whether that is getting to know a new culture, new people or starting a new job - it is very likely that you will find yourself in a position where you often know less than the people around you. You are challenged to be curious, to ask, to learn something new every day. And while that is one of the things that excited me the most about going abroad, it very quickly occurred to me that I am not very good at not knowing things. It somehow bothered me. My first instinct when I would be asked a question about something I didn't know the answer to, was to talk around it with sometimes complete nonsense rather than just admitting that I don't know about this particular thing first and then sharing some thoughts. And I think that makes sense because especially in an academic context knowing things is what it is all about. So when I got confronted with being new to so many new things at once, it became clear to me once more how much I had internalized this concept over the past years.

It very quickly occurred to me that I am not good at not knowing things. It somehow bothered me.

Nonetheless, I headed to the department for my first day of classes filled with confidence. I felt like as if in the past years I had overcome most of my insecurities and struggles associated with my academic performance. I didn't think too much about how challenging the upcoming coursework could be. After overcoming various kinds of academic challenges throughout the last five years, I had this strong conviction that I have grown and that nothing could really seriously take me down. Little did I know that I had merely scratched away the surface of my achievement-based self-worth only to go into direct battle with it for the next few months.

I still remember the exact moment about four to five years ago when I realized how much my self esteem is tied to my academic performance. This is insane, I thought, this has to change. And I kept thinking about that every now and then but things were going pretty well for me all those years. Of course I had my ups and downs, but I always believed in myself and at the end of the day the academic successes needed were claimed. I didn't have to deal with the issue that building your self esteem on things that can change any second is not the best idea. Five years later is better than never I guess, because after my classes were way harder than I had thought, I was staring my worst fear directly in the eye: What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail?

It was eating me up. It made my stomach twist in ways I didn't know were possible. When I would talk to my friends and family about this at that time one of the things I would hear the most is. "You're gonna make it, but if - and I'm not at all saying you will - but if you fail it is not the end of the world." And while I knew in a rational way that was true, I could just not accept that thought at all. Everything inside me would fight against accepting that thought. Because if I detach myself like that - what will be the drive that keeps me going? I always thought my ambition was fueled by my passion but it became clear to me that while that was certainly true, my ambition was also very much fueled by a need for success. And that's where things become tricky because success comes and goes and also of course there is so much more to a person than their achievements. So I asked myself - how can I persevere within the fear of not being good enough? How can I let go?

I always thought my ambition was fueled by my passion but it became clear to me that while that was certainly true, my ambition was also very much fueled by a need for success.

Be still

Letting go of anything that determines whether you are at peace or not requires you to trust in the good that you cannot see yet. Which is probably one of the hardest things to do ever - at least for me.

This concept of trusting in something you cannot see yet or that you do not have any evidence for that it will actually happen, reminded my of a conversation I had with a friend a few years ago. We talked about how believing in God challenges you to do that every single day. Over and over again. One of the Bible verses defining what faith is states that "[...] faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." (Hebrews 11:1, NIV) which seemed a suspiciously fitting solution to my problem. Instead of tying my peace to ever changing circumstances, trying to only depend on the faith that God has something good for me in store no matter what, will result in a kind of peace that cannot be taken away.

But standing firm in these convictions is obviously way easier said than done. Sometime between me bouncing back and forth between fear and trust, my Mom sent me a song titled "Psalm 46, 10". Not knowing what that particular verse was about, I put the song on and it started with "Be still and know that I am God. Be still and know..." - that instantly rang a bell. I looked to my left and saw last year's vision board on my desk that had this exact Bible verse.

Every time around new year's eve I pray for a motto or bible verse for the upcoming year and for 2025 the verse I got was Psalm 46, 10: "Be still and know that I am God." Which is a very good verse to meditate over when a lot of things are changing like they did for me in that year. Because with many changes usually come many challenges and then we are prone to believe that maybe were on the wrong track. I had that thought a lot when I went home for Christmas; I made it through the first set of challenges but now I was questioning if that challenge meant that maybe I was in the wrong place. But remembering that verse, knowing that I can always turn to God in these moments of doubt and anxiety helped to escape those thoughts that held me captive - even if only for a brief moment. In addition to that one of the sermons I was listening to before I went to Germany over winter break, reminded me of the fact that "being still and knowing that He is God" doesn't necessarily mean to sit around and hope for the best. That's part of it for sure, but in times where we feel lost we are also encouraged to pray courageously. In Isiah there is a story about King Ahaz who was facing a war against a far overpowered enemy and for sure didn't know where to go and what to do. And in these moments God himself encouraged him to ask for signs (Isiah 7). So whenever my anxious thoughts would hold me captive I decided to do exactly that. And God came through. He made sure I knew I was exactly where I'm supposed to be.

Letter to my 13 Year Old Self

Now besides trusting in the fact that God has something good for me in store despite how contradictory the circumstances may seem there is one other thing that I realized which helped me a lot with navigating the fear of not being good enough. And that is the concept of trying to compare myself less to others and more to myself. This is a very known thing, I think, but once really understood it's so incredibly powerful. Because at the end of the day success and being "good at what you do" can take so many shapes and forms and also highly depends on the goals you personally have and the story that you write. And because everyone's story is unique, success should also be seen as something less general and more personal. Of course one can take the alleged success of others as an inspiration and motivation to strive for similar results but nonetheless one should never forget that we all write our own story and given all the details that build up who we are it doesn't make sense to compare oneself to others anyways. Of course this is a concept that is not easy to internalize, especially in very competitive environments. But it is so important to remind ourselves where we've come from and all the successes we've already had on the way. So often we focus on one goal far away in the future and don't acknowledge all the little steps and achievements on the way that get us there. I am guilty of that. Of being too hard on myself and I definitely want to work on that.

There is a song by the singer Laufey called "Letter To My 13 Year Old Self" where she very beautifully summarizes these thoughts in a letter to her 13 year old self. She encourages her younger self by saying that her dreams will come true and all the hard days were worth it because she will write her very own story and she shouldn't be discouraged by the challenges coming her way. And I think we should not only write this letter to our past but also to our present and future self because this is true at any point in our lives. As Laufey says in her song:

"Keep on going with your silly dream
Life is prettier than it may seem
One day, you'll be up on stage
Little girls will scream your name
The days of tears and failure fears
And no one cares
Will all make sense, 'cause
You'll grow up
And grow so confident, and
Write your story, fall in love a little too
The things you thought you'd never do
I wish I could go back and give her a squeeze
Myself at thirteen
And just let her know, know that she's beautiful."

- Letter to my 13 Year Old Self, Laufey

Momente

So what's next? I guess it's time to tackle some fears. Somehow during the first few months I've been here everything has been happening all at once. I was dealing with challenges I've never faced like that before and my first reaction to situations like that is always control. I was trying to find something that makes up my identity in the midst of all of this. But I've found that taking this leap into a completely new environment forces me to let go of that completely. It's not about putting who you are in a different setting and then just carrying on as you did before. The new setting forces you to change. It forces you to change in a way where you embrace every challenge and you stop progressing by thinking and start to progress by experiencing first. And that is super scary. At least for me. But interacting instead of carefully interweaving yourself with your environment set's you free from its ever changing character. And that is something I desperately need(ed) to learn. And although it resulted in many tears and short nights I already see how I am getting one step closer every day to who I actually want to be. Someone who is authentically herself rather than a carefully crafted version in constant fear of what she has build will eventually fail as soon as certain circumstances catch up to her. And luckily I'm not alone in this. So let's go!